The Blame Game

Beware those who criticize and blame everyone, but themselves. Trust me I had to learn the hard way. I know I am not perfect. In fact I am more than aware of my faults. Every day I work on them and try to become the best version of me. Last time I checked no one is perfect.

I am so tired of jumping through hoops and being criticized. My entire existence thus far has consisted of walking on egg shells. I never realized I was sucking in all the air trying not to breathe until recently. I tried everything possible to take your criticism in stride and deal with it. And I could have if there hadn’t been so much of it. I try one thing and another pops up. I haven’t felt good enough for a long time.

And I believed I wasn’t until recently. I still have to fight the tiny voice inside me trying to rise up and scream, You will never be enough, your mean, too shy, you don’t know how to be nice, etc. I hate that voice. I want to beat it back with a bat and then grind it into the ground with my pointy high heels.

Those who blame and criticize, but never look at themselves, fail to recognize that they are actually part of the problem. There’s a novel idea. Action A perpetuates Behavior B and Behavior B can never be fixed until Action A chooses a different course. How interesting! I am intrigued by this concept.

Then there comes the vulnerability factor. When you are with someone you let down your guard and your vulnerable side shows. We all show vulnerability differently. Sometimes my vulnerability comes across as anger and frustration or even crying. When I am exceptionally quiet that is the first hint that I am trying to fight back against it.

The point is we should love eachother through our vulnerable phases. One shouldn’t be afraid to be vulnerable. One also shouldn’t hide vulnerability or emotions in general.

I never realized how exhausted I have been from trying to guess what emotions you have felt all these years. I wear my emotions like an open book for the most part. When I am happy I laugh, act silly, sing and dance. When I’m sad I cry or I’m quiet and so on. Having to guess what your partner is thinking or feeling all the time is mind numbing and it can make you crazy. I feel like I could sleep for a thousand years.

Major lesson learned:

There is no one harder on myself than me. I do not need someone in my life who is over critical.

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