The truth is I am terribly disappointed in you. The man you have chosen to become I hardly recognize. I have always asked myself how are you capable of expressing such coldness and dare I say selfishness? At what point in your life did you decide to stop growing? To choose ignorance over self exploration? Perhaps you never did. Perhaps you are truly incapable of such a feat. If there is one thing I regret, it is not being able to talk to you. I understand now that I will never be able to talk to you because you choose not to listen. You see things how you want to see them instead of through the eyes of others. This is a hard concept for me to understand. I have never only seen things through my eyes. I see the world through the eyes of animals, the disadvantaged, nature, women, children, men, the elderly and the list goes on. I have even seen things through your eyes. Did you ever do that for me? To do this though you have to be open to the possibility of seeing the world through a different lens. After seeing you with the X Factor I realize that I will never be that type of person. I will never be the person who makes fun of others for simply being different. Who puts a smile on her face, speaks softly and bats her little eye lashes to attract attention. There is more to me than that. I thought for too long that something was wrong with me because I do not possess superficial qualities. Why can’t I make fun of other people? Why don’t I find it funny to use the word “Gay” or to make sexist and racially inappropriate comments? The fact of the matter is it is not who I am. It is because I can see the world through others that I choose not to behave that way. In all honesty there in lies the crux of our relationship. I realize now I would have to wait my entire life for you to grow up and get it. For you to see the world beyond the realm of a small town. It is a shame because I know deep down you are capable of doing it. For whatever reason you have chosen not to. If it wasn’t for the huge potential and possibility I see in you I wouldn’t have made it this far. It was foolish of me to think that marriage would make you grow up and get it. I have no one to blame, but myself because I did know better. I hate that I have to tell myself I told you so. It is infuriating. The only thing I can do now is chalk it up to a huge learning experience.
Something I wrote long ago that you will never understand, but perhaps others will:
I have been given a gift, seeing through the eyes of others. Feeling their pain, misery, joy and oppression. Take away those chains and freedom will be bestowed upon them. Bring the gift of nature to the world and sorrow will lighten. Show others we are still connected. Find evidence in history, stories, culture, music and today’s life. Bring back to communities, engage. A piece of me I am no longer afraid to share or ashamed of.
I love me for me and right now that is enough.
I do not want to be the same person my entire life, that would be tragic.
Seventeen year old me is the only piece you ever truly loved.
I have zero tolerance for intolerance of any kind.