The Big “D”

It hangs over my head like the grim reaper. I despise the word, Divorce. It leaves a terrible taste in my mouth and makes me feel like throwing up.

Over and over in my head I keep asking myself , why? Why can’t you grow up and realize that marriage means having to compromise. It means not always getting your way 100% of the time. It means having to talk about money and perhaps learning how to save some of it and make smart choices.

I just want to scream, I TOOK YOUR LAST NAME!!!! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HUGE OF A SACRIFICE THAT WAS FOR ME? HOW CAN YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT BY DOING THAT I WAS SHOWING JUST HOW COMMITTED I AM TO YOU?!

The thought of having to date terrifies me. This is not how my life was supposed to work out. Who is going to want to date someone like me after all the shit I have been through? I feel so damaged, being discarded like garbage. I’m not gonna lie this totally sucks. Who will want to date someone that they will have to be patient with and allow them the space to work through something as hard as starting over? I think that is a lot to ask of someone. I want to think it is possible, but I’m not overly optimistic at this point in time. And I suppose I am being somewhat of a realist. I don’t want to give up on love and say that it will never happen again. I’m young, I don’t have kids. It has to be possible. God, I hope it is. I don’t really want to spend the rest of my life alone. I mean I love my animals and all, but I always envisioned a man in my life and a family.

All men can’t be assholes. Right?

One thing is for sure I am desperately trying to fight the seed of bitterness that I feel wanting to grow inside me. If I do that then I feel like he wins. He gets to walk away scott free and be happy and hang out with the X Factor. While I get to be bitter and alone. Well screw that! Bitterness you are not going to win. I will run you over with a semi over and over again if I have to. This is an ironic statement because I literally know what being run over by a semi feels like. It isn’t something I recommend.

Marriage means something to me. I don’t take entering a marriage lightly and surely do not take ending one lightly either. This isn’t what I wanted. I wanted to work on things and find someone who could help us work through things, but that was not an option. So I’m gonna have to suck it up, put on my big girl panties and deal with the cards that have been dealt. Even if I want to say fuck you cards!

By the way I find swearing therapeutic so those with soft ears can deal. I’m doing what is best for me for once.

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