Struggling

I find myself struggling lately. Fighting to hold on to myself. To believe in me. Your voice is coming back into my head. Manipulating me, shouting and listing all the wrongs I commited. I just want it to stop. I know this is not my fault. I know I am not as screwed up as you have made me feel. It is not my fault my family went through a painful divorce that pulled us all apart and its not my fault I fell off my horse and suffered a head injury. It is not my fault that my memories aren’t as clear now and some of the things you claim to be so upset about I don’t even really remember. Did I make mistakes? Absolutely, but none of them warrant ending a marriage. How can you see that you are not perfect? That you have things to work on so you can become a better person? I can’t wrap my head around this. I want to understand, to rationalize your actions, but I can’t because they are irrational.

It is slowly beginning to drive me crazy. I don’t even know who you are anymore. How did you become a stranger? Was I blind all this time? I hate having to give up. It is killing me. I made a commitment and I never would have broken it. I never would have done this to you. Sometimes I get so angry. Do you even hurt like this? I want you to. I want you to feel the pain you have caused me. Deep down I know this is unrealistic. Your actions right now are selfish. I feel so used, so disappointed, so foolish.

I am struggling. So I will think about all the other people in the world who have it worse than me. I will read Half the Sky and learn about women all over the world who are fighting to survive and maintain their humanity. Without some perspective I may go insane. At least I can admit I am struggling.

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