Who Am I? This is a question I have been asking myself more and more lately. I have come to the conclusion that I am like an onion, I have many layers. I am someone who can be serious and intellectual, silly and goofy, kind and compassionate, sexy and daring, quiet and reserved, outgoing and confident and giving to the ones I love.
The more I think about things and my life I realize that all of me was never able to shine. I became so worried about criticism and getting made fun of that I suppressed most of who I truly am. This is incredibly hard for me to admit given that I am also a very strong woman. All through my adolescence I loved myself and never let mean girls or immature boys dictate who I am. Perhaps when we truly love someone it is easier to allow that person to dictate who you are? That is exactly what I feel like has happened. He saw what he wanted to see and judged me for it instead of looking beyond what other people said or even his initial reaction.
There is so much about me that he will never understand because I couldn’t be who I wanted to be. I am quiet and reserved when I am in a situation that I am not so sure of. I like to listen to people talk and watch them interact before I decide to really put myself out there. I don’t think there is anything wrong with approaching new situations with caution. This part of me does not make me stuck up nor does it make me a bitch. I am truly tired of being stereotyped by people.
Although I am opinionated I also know that I am not always right and there are multiple ways to look at things. I feel as if I am often punished for being a woman with intelligence and a drive to be someone who contributes to society positively and on a big level. I want to raise children, but I also want a career I can be proud of so my children can say wow look at what you can become when you get older.
I want to make a difference. I want my life to mean something. I want to feel connected to something bigger than me because I know there is something bigger than me out there. I want to live by example so that people can see I am living a life of change. I want to be the change I wish to see in the world.
Self, I am sorry for letting you down. I know I did and in a big way. I’m not proud of it, but I promise to never let it happen again. No one will have the power to dictate who I am except for me. I am beginning to remember who I am and it is not the person I have been told I am. I am not mean or bitchy and I am certainly not stuck up or shallow nor am I immature. It is taking some time and a lot of ups and downs but bit by bit I am believing more in myself than I have for a very long time.
Who I am should have been enough. It is good enough for me, imperfections and all. I was not my best because of how he made me feel about myself. I do take responsibility for this. I lacked the courage necessary to assert myself in our relationship and to believe in who I am. I have felt battered and bruised for a long time. Forced into submission instead of being treated equally. But again I take my fair share of the responsibility because I never said you are not right all the time. I backed down because I got sick of worrying about things turning into an argument and it always being my fault. The things I would say to myself if I could go back in time.
The potential I saw is never going to become a reality. I have to keep telling myself this because I did have a lot of faith and patience as well. Perhaps too much. I think my love for him blinded me from the reality of the situation. It is not to say that there were not good times because there was. But I cannot keep accepting that everything is my fault and trying to change myself. This was not an equal relationship. We were happy as long as I toed the line and didn’t assert myself and defend who I am. This isn’t the way it should have been. That piece of our relationship is not on me. Failure to show remorse for hurting someone you supposedly love is on him. Who I am should have been good enough, imperfections and all. It is good enough for me. There is no reason to continue hating myself any more. This I have learned and will continue to learn until I am whole once again.