Addiction

I asked myself recently, is it possible to be addicted to a person? I have come to the conclusion that it is. We have so much history….ups and downs. Why did someone like me put up with the control and manipulation? I was addicted. My one vice in life was a person. I’m not a big drinker. Never did drugs of any kind, but you. You were my source of purpose, my air. It shouldn’t have been that way. I should have been my own source of purpose. I put up with entirely too much. When things were good they were really really good, but then they would crash. There was never any in between. I used to tell myself he doesn’t really mean that. He just doesn’t know how to communicate his frustration. This way of thinking always brought me back to you instead of standing my ground. Like a drug I was either really high or rock bottom.

I have observed other couples recently and I realize this addiction like influence is not healthy. It shouldn’t have been that way. I am an intelligent woman, I knew better yet that addiction held me captive. I look back, replay things in my mind and I realize the horrible stuff you have said you really do mean. I was never going to be able to stand up for myself because of that addiction. I still find myself battling it. Although it grows weaker. This was not a good marriage. I deserve better. I am scared of repeating the cycle which is why I do not want another man in my life until I am stronger.

Love and marriage shouldn’t be like this. It should be equal. I never felt equal. It shouldn’t make you feel guilty about who you are. I always felt guilty. A woman’s opinion should matter. I never felt like mine did. It was your way or no way. Someone who loves you shouldn’t feel no remorse if they hurt you. I never felt like you had any remorse.

It is not healthy for me to be around you. The addiction is too strong. You will never understand this because I have learned you are incapable of seeing beyond the world you have constructed for yourself.

Until recently I could never understand the pattern, the way you would make me feel. Worthless and of no value, yet loved and happy. I do now. It makes a lot more sense to me. I just don’t ever want to repeat it. I would rather be alone then deal with this again and that is the truth. I completely lost myself in you. You had all the power and control, I had nothing. It didn’t have to be that way, but I think that is the only way you know how to be. I never wanted to force myself to believe that.

Our relationship is part of the reason I find myself wanting to go abroad and help with women’s empowerment. My empowerment left me, but it is slowly returning. I did know better and part of me feels ashamed for allowing this to happen. The experience does allow me to relate to the struggles women face all over the world.

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