Survival

I have been thinking again. Which can be scary. Thinking is the only way I can learn from this giant mess. So here’s to thinking…….as more of my true self is resurfacing it occurred to me that in order to survive our marriage I started to become like you. I know I have said some things that I am not proud of and normally would not say. I began treating you the way you have treated me. I am not proud of this. When I look back I realize it was a survival mechanism. I absolutely hate being made fun of. I don’t mind occasionally being teased, but to be made fun of for every single thing I care about is too much. I don’t like making fun of other people. I think it is mean. There is nothing funny about laughing at someone’s expense who you supposedly love. I also hate being criticized for every little thing I do differently. I don’t like to criticize other people. If I love someone I accept them for who they are not make them feel bad for being themselves. I really do not like the person I had to become in order to survive our marriage. I don’t want to ever be that person again. I don’t want to feel like I’m walking on egg shells or that I have to defend myself constantly. I want to be me without fear of anything. I want to feel good about myself. One shouldn’t have to develop survival mechanims and hate the person they become in marriage. You know how much I hate being made fun of. Yet you still continued to do it, same with the criticism. I may have developed survival mechanisms but I never felt whole. I am beginning to feel whole and remember who I am. I am not the person I had to become.

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