I have to own up to the fact that right now I am battered. Hence my frustration. I don’t like feeling this way. Nor do I like giving you the power to make me feel this way. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in feeling battered I simply forget to breathe. I have to remember to be honest with myself. I have to remember that I lost myself completely in our marriage. It was about preserving you and making you happy. So I tried really hard to do that. Turns out it didn’t work because you still ended up leaving. I should have worked harder to preserve myself, make claims and then stand by them. I think I convinced myself that being with you and trying to conform to your needs and wants was more important than my own happiness. I need to work on not having a battered “I”. Which means owning my feelings and wants. In retrospect I suppose it is good that I am finally learning I am important even if its the hard way. Just breathe, that’s what I have to tell myself when I get overwhelmed.
I am so grateful for this space to express myself. It was the best decision I made recently.