I find myself running out of steam. I am physically, emotionally and spiritually worn down. My coping mechanisms are starting to fray. I realized that I have internalized so much throughout our marriage that I am just starting to feel all of it. I am beyond frustrated right now. I just want this to be over since I have no choice in the matter. I don’t want to have to see you or speak to you. My heart has been destroyed and then ran through a blender. I have learned that people don’t die of broken hearts but they do go through hell. I put up with so much bullshit from you over the years and for what? I feel like it was a complete waste of time. All the patience I exercised waiting for you to grow up. I really was a fool. A fool for believing in you b/c you never believed in me. I was never going to be good enough. You tried to change everything about me and I am exhausted from it. I started forgetting who I am and tried to become like you just to survive. I have nothing to offer anyone right now. Everything has been sucked out of me. I feel empty, running on E. I really hope giving up is worth it. I am mad at myself for caring about you more than myself because in the end I learned you only cared about me as long as I was convenient and fit into your perfect world. This isn’t how it was supposed to be! I will never understand why it is ok for you to say whatever you want, but I am not allowed to do the same. Why do I have to be the one who is the problem? How can you be incapable of realizing you have things to work on too? Exhausted and worn down to a shell. That’s how I feel.
What I hate the most right now is I actually care about you still despite everything. I wish I could turn that off. Be like you, emotionally detached. I am such an idiot!