Today I realized I have been deleted. I am pretty sure it is because I actually put my foot down and made it clear what I need right now which is not have to communicate directly with you. I have to remember that is typical for you. The minute you don’t get your way you act like a child. Yes I loved you deeply, but I deserve a man who is mature and values women. I used to think you valued women, but the older you get the more I am not so sure. It hurts less now. Mostly I have a huge amount of regret and disappointment in myself. Those are feelings I am learning to deal with. I do deserve better.

Never again do I want a relationship with a man where the following comments are made:
“You are being a bitch.”
“Your not 5 years old anymore, get over it.”
“You are being too sensitive, just deal with how I am.”
“That tattoo looks like someone threw up on your back.”
“You are acting like your parents.”
“Putting you on my health insurance is too costly, research alternatives.”
“Don’t wear too much makeup.”
“You never dress nice for me.”

I also do not want a relationship where I am ridiculed for wanting to recycle for not obsessing over a clean house when I am working full time and going to school. Where emotions are unacceptable and being upset isn’t ok. Where I am afraid to be myself. Where a husband thinks its ok to do whatever he wants but controls what his wife does. Where my opinion on something isn’t valued. Where it is ok to be so hurtful that I cry and you don’t even apologize. Where I constantly feel like I have to defend myself due to criticism and getting made fun of. It must be nice to feel so perfect that apologies aren’t even possible even when you hurt someone you supposedly love. If I am honest with myself I realize that the only time I truly felt valued and loved by you in our marriage was during my accident.

Through all of this you seem a stranger to me. I don’t recognize you. What kind of a husband has to come home intoxicated to unleash hell on his wife? I know eventually I will be happier without you. I am finding my way and believing in myself more. I just have to keep at it. If I am honest with myself I realize I don’t recognize me. I don’t like feeling controlled or manipulated which is what our marriage was all about unless you 100% got your way and then you were nice to me. Only then, 100% your way. All I needed was compromise and to be valued. You never listened to me. I believe in honesty, but not the kind that is unproductive or hurtful. I will be better off. I just need to get through the pain and believe in myself again. What you will never realize is your control and manipulation is why I was who I was during our marriage. I don’t want to be that person again.

I am fucking fantastic!


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