For the First Time……

For the first time since I was 17 I have the ability to ask myself, What now and what do I want? I will admit these questions terrify me. I find myself having to breathe in and out because there are days where it seems incredibly daunting to think about my future. Do I tackle a PhD? Do I become a social entrepreneur?  Do I go to Bangladesh for a year? When do I just get to kick back and enjoy life without having to work really hard and over come something? When do I get to travel? These questions swim through my head and I find them difficult to address. Do I really know what I want? That’s another one swimming about.

I hope its normal to be terrified and unsure right now. I am pretty sure it is considering what I have been through. Having the rug pulled out from underneath you when you thought things had finally grown and matured is difficult. I find myself asking, Why did I have to love you? Why did I have to believe in you? Why, why, why. I constantly ask myself why questions. I have ever since I can remember. Its a blessing and a curse.

Sometimes I can feel my heart beating rapidly inside. I think please just quiet down. Relax….everything will be ok eventually. Eventually…..I wanted things to be ok now. I had finally started to feel a lot better since my accident. I was looking forward to the light at the end of the tunnel. Things were supposed to be ok now! We were supposed to be thinking about the next chapter of our life. Moving forward, changing jobs, traveling, doing fun things together. I meant what I said when I told you I fell in love with you all over again during my accident. I did. I saw the man I knew you could become. All of the things you had said during my parents divorce and Easy’s death I forgave. It was like starting all over again to me. I feel such a great loss. Its hard for me to come to terms with how you see things. I want to explain things to you to make you understand. I didn’t keep Memo from you to spite you. I did it because I wanted something to hold on to and remind me of Easy and the bond I shared with her. I wouldn’t have kept her unless you said I could if Marley went to my mom’s. You are convinced that is not the case. You are convinced that I did it maliciously and to out right disrespect you. Its not true. I was horribly lost and depressed after losing Easy. She had been my rock since I was in the fourth grade. I just wish you would understand how much I have had to struggle to survive my parent’s divorce and her death. I needed you to be my rock to help me through it.

I am having a hard time getting my heart to understand all of this. I want to hate you. To wish ill upon you. Yet deep, deep down I can’t bring myself to do it. Do I feel like I can’t trust you? Does it make me anxious just thinking of having to see or talk to you? Absolutely! Things were not bad enough to do this. I know you are better than this. I know you are truly not this person. I think you are afraid of really having to grow up. I never hated being married or even thought about being with someone else. I did think it was incredibly difficult at times and I felt ill prepared for the reality of marriage. I found myself having to count to 10 a lot and remember that it wasn’t all about me anymore. It was about both of us. Me being me, you being you and the us.

Another question I find myself asking, how am I ever going to give myself to someone again? I can’t fathom the idea. It makes me want to cry sometimes. I gave myself to you fully. I just wanted to still be me at times. Thats all. I struggled with that very much. I dunno, maybe someone like me who is independent, stubborn, opinionated and passionate isn’t supposed to get married. Maybe I’m just not the marrying kind. I wondered that about myself before I got married.

I would much rather have to go through my head injury again than deal with this. I wish you would talk to me more before you hold things in for so long that you just explode. It makes it very hard to grow as a person when you love someone who keeps so much to themselves. I did and do love you. I am not mean like you say. You never really gave us a chance. You said to me how many chances do you get? I thought to myself the same amount I gave you, infinity! I gave you chance after chance after chance. Yet you do not even recognize that. You have grown since we got engaged, went through wedding planning and were married. You are not a terrible person, but you do have the ability to be incredibly hurtful and deconstructive. I don’t deserve that. I may be emotional and come home angry or frustrated some days, but I am also human. Just because I am different from you in some regards does not mean that I am not worth being married to. Just like even though you are different than me in some regards. You have no idea how much I believed in you. How badly I wanted you to follow your dream of becoming a cop. Under appreciated that is what it boils down to. Which is easy to do when you have been with the same person since 17.

I know I am going to be ok. I tell myself all the time. The reality is it is daunting. It hurts badly. I want to cry, I want to curl up in a ball and never get up. I want to punch things sometimes. I want to feel at peace and happy which I do at times. Then the flood of other emotions comes rushing in like a great tidal wave. Do I put myself out there to get over this? Or do I just need to be alone to get over this? How do you get over this? Is there a manual? A right course of action that will ensure the pain will go away? I find myself sometimes wanting to put myself out there. Even if it is just to meet new people, but then I become anxious and afraid if I do I will start crying and make a fool of myself. I guess I need to just be and exercise patience. It is hard for me to be patient especially when I desperately want to feel ok. It has been so long since I have felt ok for a decent period of time. One more thing, thats what I keep telling myself. One more thing……

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