Fear

It took an episode of Grey’s Anatomy for me to realize something, fear of retribution combined with intimidation. You said you couldn’t understand why I felt like I couldn’t talk to about certain things. Fear of retribution was one reason. I was down right afraid to talk to you about wanting to foster a litter of puppies because I knew it would turn into a fight. You made it clear how you felt about animals and I respected that. I didn’t want a bunch of dogs or cats, but I need to be able to help them. It is who I am. My fear of retribution stopped me from being able to say this to you. I knew you wouldn’t understand my need to do this and you would just say no. You wouldn’t listen to me. My feeling of intimidation was also a factor. You intimidate me. You see things only one way and I learned a long time ago that I lacked the skills necessary to talk to you about what was going through my head. To communicate to you what was going through my head was a huge struggle for me. Add the fear of retribution and intimidation to the mix, I completely clammed up. It felt like a huge weight I was carrying around. Those feelings were my shackles and chains. Fear and intimidation are tough emotions to over come. I learned they can cripple you. Maybe I became fearful because I didn’t want to disappoint you. I honestly can’t really pinpoint why I let fear cripple me. Perhaps it was a combination of being made fun of, your attitude, my desire to live up to your expectations and make you happy. One thing is for sure fear of retribution and intimidation crippled me. I still feel the hooks of these feelings in me just for wanting to take care of myself right now. If I am going to heal from this I have to figure out how to deal with the fear and intimidation. I have to…..

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