Up and Down

This up and down business has to stop. I am all over the place right now. Going through all of this no one can prepare you ahead of time for what you will face. Somethings are easier said then done. I am trying so hard to hold on and maintain myself.

I looked at the calendar and realized it has been one year since my accident. Talk about an incident that changed my life. I am still dealing with side effects from it. My accident is making this more difficult. I can’t remember some of the things you are so mad about. I have snapshots, but it isn’t all clear.

I know my life isn’t over, but it feels like it. You have been in it since I was 17. I haven’t been single since then. My first real boyfriend, my first love. I wanted it to work so bad. Talk about a fairy tale. I guess I should feel lucky I fell in love and that for awhile it was magical. But the magic wears off, reality sets in and then the truth is revealed. Just breathe, you are going to be ok. People don’t die of broken hearts no matter how bad it hurts. I wish I wasnt so emotional and didn’t think so much. I really wish I could be someone else sometimes. I wish I didn’t care about ending our marriage. That walking away was easy. At least I have this blog. It has been extremely helpful to look back on posts and remember previous thoughts and feelings. I don’t want to be divorced! I just don’t want to be. I hate not being able to fix this. That you won’t understand. I wish I could erase my accident and my parents divorce, but I can’t. I really thought we could grow together and make it. I wish you would talk about stuff instead of holding it in. I wish I could find courage and strength again. I am really struggling to hold on right now.

God, what is your plan for me? Why is this happening? Can you send me some small sign, just let me know I’m not completely alone? It feels like I am….it just hurts so much right now.

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