I can breathe

On the crazy roller coaster of life, I have finally reached a point where I can breathe. I am at peace with where my life has brought me. I have a loved a man deeply. Perhaps a little more then I should have loved myself. I have learned what that type of love is capable of. Which includes losing oneself in the name of love. I have found that this is never a good thing. Yes, you should love someone deeply, but you should never have to completely sacrifice yourself in the name of love. I married this man and he chose to end our marriage. An event that I did not take lightly. Marriage means something to me, probably more to me than most men or at least the man I married. I fought to keep my marriage together and lost. With no other options left, in the end I agreed to a divorce. I chose to let my husband go as peacefully as possible because to me one of the greatest signs of love is to allow someone to leave gracefully when you know you can no longer bring them happiness. This was no easy task for me. Giving up is not in my nature. I fight for what is important to me and I am stubborn beyond measure. It is highly possible that the hardest thing for me was not the knowledge that my husband no longer wanted me as his wife, but that I had to give up in something I fiercely believe in. I have learned to fail with class and learn from it. My divorce has made me a stronger woman and it allowed me to find myself once again.

I haven’t felt this comfortable in my own skin since I was in college. I finally feel like I am becoming the woman I always saw myself as. I look at life and love differently. Yes, I would love nothing more then to find my forever best friend that I can share my life with and raise a family. However, I also know that it may take a very long time and for now I am happy being me. I don’t need a knight in shining armor to rescue me. I can rescue myself. What I need is a man to stand beside me as an equal. This is no easy task for a woman like me who has high expectations, goals, dreams and aspirations, intelligence and self worth. I find that I intimidate men very easily. That intimidation turns into insecurity on their part and I am the bitch for being secure and confident. If there is one thing I have learned it is this, it is no longer my job to fix and support an insecure man. If they cannot handle the strong woman that I am that is their problem. I no longer allow their insecurity to project onto me and make me feel guilty for being who I am.

I stand tall and proud now. Stand behind my convictions and breathe deeply every day knowing that I am becoming an amazing woman capable of taking on the world. Man or no man I will raise children one day.

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