Time heals all wounds. We have been told that by many and I have told myself the same thing repeatedly. It has been a year since the day my husband told me he didn’t want to have children with me, that I was mean and he no longer wanted me as his wife. A year since I was completely blindsided and saw my marriage vanish before my eyes before I even had time to register that I couldn’t save it. Time…..that one word echos in my head….time. A lot of time has passed since I was writing diligently and expressing every thought. I have put myself out there, attempted to try new relationships and meet new people. I have experience love again and found loving someone really isn’t all that difficult. In fact the whole world could use more love and kindness. What is difficult, is finding someone who will love and cherish you the way you deserve to be.
I don’t regret the decisions I have made since my divorce. I realize I could have saved myself some heart ache by taking things slowly, expressing my desire to have a relationship once again, but starting with a friendship first. I have come to realize that I will always do things at my own pace. I do not like to be told what I have to do or what is right for me. I seek to discover what is right for me on my own. Independent, stubborn and driven are words I would use to describe myself. Yet I am not independent to the extreme that I do not want to surround myself with people and allow love to enter my life.
I have come a long way since my divorce. The very word, divorce, used to terrify me. I wanted to crawl in a hole so I could vanish altogether. I have heard people say that divorce is worse than death. I now believe and know this to be true. I have experienced both and I would never wish divorce upon anyone. Divorce means knowing the one you love is still out there and capable of being reached yet they do not want you in their life. They no longer want to share joy, laughter, sorrow or disappointment with you. Your life is no longer a part of theirs. It is an incredibly painful experience. It is one where you wish more than anything that you could fix the situation. You have times where you feel like you want to yell and hug that person all at the same time. How could you do this to me, to us? How can you walk away from our vows or commitment to one another? Marriage is something that means the world to me. What hurt the most is realizing I had married someone who did not value marriage the way that I do. That I had to let go of my marriage because my husband already had.
Divorce…the very word and experience I used to fear. I have lived through it. I no longer want to vomit when I have to say that I am divorced or have to check that box. I have learned to own my marriage and my divorce. To learn from it. To stick to my own truth no matter what people may say to me or behind my back. I know I am a good person, I know I deserve the kind of love I always envisioned for myself and I know I am capable of helping to change the world. I can look in the mirror and believe what is tattooed on my arm, Kind, Beautiful and Smart. I can believe this even if someone tells me otherwise and decides they no longer want me in their life. I can walk away from love if it turns hurtful or disrespectful and there is no hope for salvation. I never understood this concept before. I thought loving someone meant clinging to that love, like a safe harbor, no matter how they treated you. I now understand that we teach people how to treat us based on our interactions with them. What we tolerate and how we communicate our intolerance matters. Most importantly we have to learn that ultimately we cannot change the core of someone and we have to be willing to accept them for who they are. This means accepting that although we may love them they are not the right life partner for us.
I believe that relationships shouldn’t be all that difficult. The right person should fit naturally, be more alike us than different and ultimately be a bestfriend. Someone said to me recently that in order for them to get married the relationship should feel like a dance, it should flow back and forth. I couldn’t agree more with this statement. I believe it is possible to find this type of connection, but it requires patience and knowing yourself inside and out. I have realized that when I got married I didn’t know myself well enough. That was probably my biggest mistake. So my advice to all of my friends when they talk about marriage and how all they want is to find the right one and get married, know yourself inside and out, backwards and forwards. Believe in yourself more than anyone else. Be comfortable knowing you may need to walk away from a relationship to find the right one and spend time by yourself. Own who you are and never settle for anything less than everything you ever imagined for yourself.
I settled. I doubted who I was and let someone else define me. What I learned from that experience is yes I tend to learn things the hard way, however, once I do, I don’t make the same mistake twice. I have evolved into a much stronger woman. A woman who believes in herself, takes chances and continues to approach life for the adventure that it truly is.
Divorce…I no longer fear you, I own you.