Lost at Sea…or so I thought

This is a piece I wrote while wandering the beach in Oregon, listening to the Pacific crash against the rocks. It was a day where I was low, unsure and desperately trying to come to grips with my uncertain future, learning to love again and realizing how present my past still was. oregon beachI must admit it also a day where my patience with my family was dwindling. I desperately needed a day to myself. Although, I struggled with taking it, I did……

The majority of my major life decisions I have made with other people in mind, with the exception of two, going to Turks  and Caicos and Maryland. Who am I? I know who Rachael Wood was, but Rachael Loucks I’m still figuring out. I know what I want in a man….kindness, compassion, sillyness at times, but above all else a best friend. I thought Vampire (that’s what we will call him for sake of identity) could possibly be that person, but now I feel like an inconvenience. Someone he wants around on his terms only. I had that before. I don’t want another relationship like that.

I still don’t like the fact that I’m divorced. I never wanted that for myself. There are times where I am angry at my ex-husband for giving up and angry at myself for not fighting harder. But I was weak, I had no ounce of fight left. Now I’m stuck at my mom’s which is super depressing and demoralizing. How did this become my life? Worst of all, how did I let this happen to myself? How did I let a man determine my life? Is that what love is, extreme sacrifice and hoping it all works out? I don’t know if I can do it again, get married, hell even be in a relationship.

I don’t feel like Vampire and I are in a relationship. I know he eludes to it and says we are, but I just don’t feel it. Sometimes I feel like my wedding ring is there like a phantom even though I know its not. How long will it take to find myself completely? Pieces of me are starting to come back and it is getting easier, but I don’t feel completely whole yet.

Sometimes I feel like a ghost, present, yet not completely. Sometimes I don’t care what happens to me. I want to be swept away by the ocean and carried out to sea to a new existence. Then there are days where I do care. Where I feel the need to take control of my life.

Sometimes I lash out at the ones I love and I think who is this person? I don’t want to be like this. It seems like a natural reflex that I cannot help. Is it genetic? Where does this come from? Part of me knows the answer, I just hate admitting it. Have you ever wondered if you are inherently cursed by your genetics and past?

What I learned from this day was that I can take the first step to put me first. For once in my life I set out on a path to figure out Rachael Loucks once again. To face my past, the present and my future head on with the sea as my inspiration.

What have I realized since this day? I am no longer in the place I was this past August when I found myself needing to wander the beaches of Oregon.

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