This is a piece I wrote while wandering the beach in Oregon, listening to the Pacific crash against the rocks. It was a day where I was low, unsure and desperately trying to come to grips with my uncertain future, learning to love again and realizing how present my past still was. I must admit it also a day where my patience with my family was dwindling. I desperately needed a day to myself. Although, I struggled with taking it, I did……
The majority of my major life decisions I have made with other people in mind, with the exception of two, going to Turks and Caicos and Maryland. Who am I? I know who Rachael Wood was, but Rachael Loucks I’m still figuring out. I know what I want in a man….kindness, compassion, sillyness at times, but above all else a best friend. I thought Vampire (that’s what we will call him for sake of identity) could possibly be that person, but now I feel like an inconvenience. Someone he wants around on his terms only. I had that before. I don’t want another relationship like that.
I still don’t like the fact that I’m divorced. I never wanted that for myself. There are times where I am angry at my ex-husband for giving up and angry at myself for not fighting harder. But I was weak, I had no ounce of fight left. Now I’m stuck at my mom’s which is super depressing and demoralizing. How did this become my life? Worst of all, how did I let this happen to myself? How did I let a man determine my life? Is that what love is, extreme sacrifice and hoping it all works out? I don’t know if I can do it again, get married, hell even be in a relationship.
I don’t feel like Vampire and I are in a relationship. I know he eludes to it and says we are, but I just don’t feel it. Sometimes I feel like my wedding ring is there like a phantom even though I know its not. How long will it take to find myself completely? Pieces of me are starting to come back and it is getting easier, but I don’t feel completely whole yet.
Sometimes I feel like a ghost, present, yet not completely. Sometimes I don’t care what happens to me. I want to be swept away by the ocean and carried out to sea to a new existence. Then there are days where I do care. Where I feel the need to take control of my life.
Sometimes I lash out at the ones I love and I think who is this person? I don’t want to be like this. It seems like a natural reflex that I cannot help. Is it genetic? Where does this come from? Part of me knows the answer, I just hate admitting it. Have you ever wondered if you are inherently cursed by your genetics and past?
What I learned from this day was that I can take the first step to put me first. For once in my life I set out on a path to figure out Rachael Loucks once again. To face my past, the present and my future head on with the sea as my inspiration.
What have I realized since this day? I am no longer in the place I was this past August when I found myself needing to wander the beaches of Oregon.